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[28 Jan 2010|11:58am] |
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Hello journal
Well, since I've last talked to you, a lot has happened.
I started my sophomore year of classes and dare I say i've actually liked the majority of them. *GASP*
Well, most of life has been going well
I'm completely and hopelessly in love, and it's fantastic
But i'm still unsatisfied with my life
Until i'm in nursing school...I don't think i'll ever be fully happy. I think I might've posted somewhere about my anger about the fact I chose this program..but I don't seem to regret it
I love my school, a lot. And if I could just go to nursing school here everything in my life would be perfect. It's impossible though. I don't have the GPA and I didn't get into the bio program I need.
I'm just frustrated. Typing it out helps
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[20 Aug 2009|06:18pm] |
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i fail at blogging
no one really reads this anymore so i don't think it matters much
well, i'm at the beach, my hair is wet, and my skin smells like salt
i love it
i go back to school in 3 days and summer went by WAY TOO FAST
maybe tonight i'll blog about my summer and how great it was <3
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[03 Feb 2009|10:15pm] |
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snow :)
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[30 Jan 2009|10:15am] |
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I wanna do a Valentine's Day blog.
Hahaha
I went to Rite-Aid with my suitemate, Gracie, and when we went to get in line to pay, the line extended up an aisle. It happened to be the Valentine's Day aisle with all the chocolates and pink hearts and candies and teddy bears. It made me think a little about the day and if it's really a Hallmark holiday or not.
Yes, I think it's a bit of a Hallmark holiday..but I think it's also an excuse to show the people you love that you care about them. Not that you should really need ONE day out of all 365 days of the year to show you care about them, but why not? The world could always use more love :)
I hope I don't get crucified for my opinions...but since this is MY blog, i'll say what I want. I think the people that absolutely hate V-Day may have been hurt by someone they love and just can't handle the fact that other people are happily celebrating. I'm guilty of this too! My freshman year of HS I wore black like the rest of the bitter people XD But i've changed since then (and having a wonderful boyfriend helps too!!!!!) nd stuff.
Plus, I think that V-Day should not be restricted to couples. Show your families, your friends, your whomever you care about in your life that you care about them. It's like back in kindergarten when you were forced to buy every kid in your class one of those little paper cards that were cartoon themed or whatever. Good times :)
So yeah. About 2 weeks till that! Spread the love peeps <3
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[26 Jan 2009|08:10pm] |
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i can't believe my phone got stolen again
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[17 Jan 2009|10:20am] |
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i'm actually thinking about posting here again...i'm not sure. i wrote this huge cleansing entry in my xanga and I think i'll repost it here. my xanga has been around longer than this livejournal...thats the only reason i'd choose xanga over livejournal.
It's been over two years since i've written anything in this blog. A girl one told me that if I write everything down on a piece of paper, and then cut it up and burn it, i'd feel better. I think that's true. But i'm also gonna put my feelings here. I don't care who sees it really. I honestly don't, and I think that's something good that I finally realized. I was such a doormat my sophomore year, and I've really grown out of that phase...as ashamed I am to have been in that phase. That's something i'll never be able to hide from. But now I know the difference between being a doormat and a people pleaser. I am a people pleaser and i'm actually almost glad for that. I'm a nice person. I know that
Something has really changed within me in the past few years and months. I have grown up. My junior year was really all about beginning to accept myself. That was the year I began to find out who I was. I changed, and i'm not going to deny it. I'm sorry if anyone can't understand what i'm saying this is really just kind of a stream of consciousness. Hah.
I met a boy who accepts me and I really think loves me for me. We have been going out for a year and a half, and have not yet said the L word to eachother. I think that's okay. What pisses me off is no one seems to understand. I don't understand why having to say it, NEEDS to mean it. I think i know what I feel, and he knows what he feels. If we don't say it yet, that's something for us to decide and discuss. I do not find it a huge deal. And if I don't find it a huge deal..then it's not a huge deal. I'm tired of people saying "OH MY GOSH YOU HAVEN'T SAID I LOVE YOU YET THAT'S AWFUL". fuck you. lol. i know what I feel.
And another thing about my relationship. I am still a virgin. I have not had sex. And i'm fine with it. I respect my body, and so does he. And that's fine. I do not think having sex is the only way of expressing how you feel about another person. And i'm glad. I don't want babies anytime soon. Hahahaha. But yeah. I'm fine with how far i've gone with him. I'm happy. And that's all that matters.
He means the world to me, and i'm certain we'll be together for a long long time <333
Senior year was an all over pretty awful year. Hah. I think a lot of it has to do with guard unfortunately. A lot got fucked up along the way, and I wasted time on a lot of pointless shit that to this day has no value really. And I don't mind. That year did actually make me stronger, and I came out of high school with an actual backbone.
I lost someone close to my heart in 2008. But it is okay. They were a huge part of my life for many years, and there's no denying that. I can't say they didn't matter, and I can't say I didn't care about them. That would be pure bullshit. They meant a lot of me. And they meant a lot to me till the end. For real. They may not know that though...because they're too clouded with other such negativity. Petty things...But our fight and breakup was for the better. Their life got better, and so did mine. A lot of less stress on both our parts..she doesn't have to worry about me anymore, or waste her breath talking to me. I don't have to worry about pleasing her as much anymore...just sucks. But I think its for the best. And if she reads this, I want to let her know that even though we're no longer friends, I wish her all the best in life and love and if we ever meet again, then we will. If not, I know she's fine without me.
I am so scared of the future, but so excited. I love knowing exactly what I want to do. I know nursing is in my future...and that rocks knowing. I love medicine and I love caring for people. End story :) But i'm so scared of colllege. Classes are hard, and the competition to get into schools are reallllyyy rough but I know I can do it. As long as I keep pushing and keep trying I know all will be okay :)
It was 2 years for xanga. Since 2006. SHIT almost 3
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[16 Jan 2009|10:20pm] |
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i am extraordinary
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[08 Apr 2007|11:57am] |
let me rephrase that
i am mediocre now
wait till you see me in a few years ^_^
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[08 Apr 2007|11:52am] |
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hmph, i can't help but feel utterly mediocre
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[03 Apr 2007|06:41pm] |
SO! Philly was uber amounts of fun. Villanova was really really pretty...but the more I was on the campus, the more out of place I felt. It was nice and everything and the academics and facilities were good...but it didn't feel right. Kind of like indigestion..haha. Not to mention I don't have the grades XD. I could get the SATs up there..but with GPA and rigor of courses, i'm fucked. So no to Villanova.
The King Tut exhibit was cool. I LOVE the Franklin Institute and I was a huge nerd and played in the giant heart for 20 minutes. It was fun. The exhibit itself amazed me. All that stuff stayed locked in his tomb for 3,000 years and some of it looked so new! And how intricate everything was. it's amazing. Then we went back to the hotel and Jackie and I went out for Rita's! My parents let ME WALK WITH ONE OTHER PERSON IN PHILLY!!!
Then the next morning we went to Temple. Basically loved every aspect of it. Nuff said.
Then Widener. It was like.......a better Moravian...in a better area..haha. Still a bit quiet, but still liked it.
good weekend XD
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[30 Mar 2007|11:17pm] |
andandandandandand my prom dress came in! it's being altered and i will have in next monday.....5 days before prom...
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....YEAH!!
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[30 Mar 2007|11:12pm] |
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Dave's going hiking in Virginia. I are jealous A LOT!!
And I got SAT scores back..mine were okay..I scored higher in math then I thought XD. My essay got a 10 which made me happy. But it makes me more scared to look at colleges
This week I am visiting Temple, Villanova, Widener, and Rutgers (i'll be in New Brunswick for med tests anywaysss)
Colleged-out. BUT! I'm seeing the King Tut exhibit and spending some quality time with Philly.
Well i'm tired and shivering, so i'll peace. BYE!
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[24 Mar 2007|04:26pm] |
I visited Moravian today. This marks my second college visit ^_^. My first impression of the school, was that the campus looked like TCNJ Jr....for lack of better words. The buildings looked similar at least..old looking, but very pretty. I wasn't happy with the surrounding area. The college is in Bethlehem, PA..and Bethlehem is an old city. There were a lot of broken down factories in the town and it just didn't look nice. And you can see people's homes from the campus. Anyway, I got there and saw a girl with a colorguard jacket. This surprised me, because I didn't know that Moravian had a colorguard, let alone a marching band. Turns out it's just not that well known.
The whole president giving the speech thing occured and it was just very long and very boring. They're much more of a liberal arts college then I really knew about. Like..in your face. Which confused me, because I had heard about what a good nursing program it had. So that kinda turned me off for awhile.
The campus and on-campus activities were good. The dorms were smaller then the ones in Drexel, but you're guarenteed housing all 4 years at Moravian and you can get suites with up to 6 people if you're good (no alcohol, vandelism etc)So many buildings for english, math, and music...It just made my head spin. I wasn't very open from that point on. It made everything look negative and I really didn't want to hear the vice president ramble about financial aid. I would've left at that point, but mom convinced me to stay for the academic faire...which i'm glad I stayed for. The nursing program there is in junction with St. Lukes Hospital and is very well known. The head of the department was very nice, and one of the senior girls there who I talked to is going to work at Lehigh Valley Hospital, and another is working at the Children's Hospital. That made me happy...the program seemed pulled together amongst the liberal arts world. So we left and drove around Bethlehem..and I liked the town a lot more, and the broken down factories kinda left my mind.
Overall, I don't know what to think. I'm very confused and can't decide whether or not I like the school. I LOVED Drexel, but it's not the time for me to pick favorites..oh well
On another note, the concert band festival ROCKED!!! We got gold and outstanding Brass and Woodwinds and the freshmen got Silver. So proud! and i felt like such an old kid now...:-\
not sure about a lot now
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[19 Mar 2007|11:31pm] |
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i'm trying to deal
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[05 Mar 2007|04:17am] |
I'm surprised with my life lately..somehow i've had a strange sort of revelation without even knowing it. And I wish I knew why.
I think this past summer changed me a lot. Right after school ended I was faced with another failure. And when you're faced with a failure, most people want to crawl in the corner and cry about it. Which I admit, I did for a long time....but then I figured I had a choice, to be sad about it, or to pick myself up and try again. I think that's the best decision I ever made. It helped me get through another big failure, and taught me how to continue to grow through it.
Marching band did that for me in a huge way. When I asked DJ why I didn't make rifle, he said I couldn't take criticism or recover quickly enough. I honestly think that made me look at myself for life in generally. Before that, everytime I failed..I DID go in the corner and cry. And that would make me look so ridiculous. Why had I not seen it before?? But I figured it was time to start picking myself up quicker and moving on. Things were rough with people at that point, and I strayed away from my usual group of friends..and found more. This has made me more sociable..and I think that was a good thing.
And I also thought being stuck in concert band another year would kill me. If anything, it made me really happy. On one hand, I was seperated from all my really good friends, but it gave me a chance to reconnect with some band people I had known during the season..people I wouldn't have gotten to see if I had been in Wind Ensemble. And Axel. What a great kid, she's really been there for me when i've needed her this year. And we play really well together and i've developed a good confidence in band this year..it makes me happy to know i'm really growing.
After band season ended, I was faced with winterguard and ANOTHER rifle try-out and BOOM a lot of new people..many of which were my friends or people from band..whatever. I thought at first that I would be less lonely on busrides or have someone to talk to more often, but I found myself in the corner more..listening to music or reading while everyone else had fun. I had started to concentrate on rifle more and I got onto the B-line. I worked my ass off and it was great to see myself working so hard for something and finally getting rewarded. I think that was my biggest accomplishment of ...well..I guess...2006? But with people, it was just strange.
I was told I had to get more involved. And you know what? I did. I think for the longest time I had a shield over myself saying "no, you can't help me" or perceived advice from other people as a weakness. But what I still don't know to this day...a weakness from what? I have nothing to fear from people..and it just astounds me i'd worry so much about something I don't know about.
And now i'm faced with the big week of long tests. The HSPAs (which i heard are a joke) and my first SAT on Saturday. My stomach flips a little from that...I just hope I do well..I want so much out of my college life, it's ridiculous. It's hard wanting to succeed at something so much, and to not be good enough. I figure if I failed at many things before then, that maybe this will be my calling, and nursing will be something i'm good at. I can only hope, and have the confidence in myself to not break under pressure and be okay. I know I will be..
I feel like my body is the only thing I don't have control over now. I'm seeing my 8th doctor in 3 years about my stomach and still nothing. No new meds..no surgeries..no tests. I feel like i'm in some nauseating circle that I can't get out of. It's not bothering me so much knowing that there are worse things out there. This isn't the worst I can be.
I feel like i've really matured. I just wish I had my car now :\
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[29 Dec 2006|10:20pm] |
hm, for the first time in awhile..i'm perfectly content in not being in a relationship.
i'm super surprised..with all my friends being in relationships.
i'm rather proud of myself for not going emo.
winterguard is fabulous.
i have loads of doctors appointments in january...
bring it on 2007.
<3
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[09 Nov 2006|09:58pm] |
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Hm...so it's almost the end of the junior year of marching band season. jeez
As I was saying to Dave last night "where the fuck did it go?" quite honestly...band camp always seems like it drags on (good thing, cuz it's normally fun) but then competition season seems to kick everything into high gear BOOM it's over. I mean, we're going to nationals this weekend.
which...by the way, i'm excited for..
anywho, life is life right now. APUSH is sorta owning me (as I imagined, I got an 80 this marking period...better than I thought) and most of my other grades are good...except Math Analysis..buuuuut I get what we're doing now so hopefully I won't die...again. I didn't make as much of an attempt at school work like I wanted to this marking period...mainly cuz of marching band, but hopefully this winter/early spring or whatever will be better. hope. hope. hope. hope.
Medical things are not looking up. I just saw my 6th doctor in 2 years (grand total of two gastroentorologists [sp? lol], 2 surgeons, and my second adolescant specialist) this last one is recommending me to a doctor at the Children's Hospital of Phillidelphia because she (and I guess my parents) aren't feeling like UMDNJ is doing anything about it. Fair enough, i'm so used to this by now it's like second nature.
Oh well, living life normally as possible. I'm quite happy though.
I drove to Kohls and CVS today ^_^ I carried the keys around. I thought I was hot shit >_<
i miss u krissy T.T. i see u soon? yisssssss!
R.I.P Sputnik (kitti's gerbil)
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[21 Oct 2006|04:07pm] |
On a side note:
I miss my big sister :(
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[15 Oct 2006|07:55pm] |
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marching band season is going fabulous. yeah, there's been some bumps, but it's been great. I love my low brass+ mike group. Dongs during the week is amazing.
Amazing
Great
Awesome
Fantasic
Fabulous
idk..i have all good words to describe this season. we just need to be consistant, as usual. we have regionals this weekend. it's hard to believe that it's already coming up to championships. It's regionals. then states. then all-states. then annapolis. jeez
to think after THIS season, the next time I step onto a football field will be when i'm a senior. wow.
in other news:
I'm dead to you, and you to me. I can't do anything about it.
yes, this is directed to someone on LJ.
"you are autumn"
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[08 Oct 2006|12:53pm] |
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A band week basically.
wow, I read that again and thought I wrote bad.
Nope! Quite the contrary :)
Was happy to be back at practice..a lot. I missed having a football game friday night, but hung out at K.Mac's house with the crew. Love them. Drove home with Matt. The FUNNIEST thing ever..
"CHECK THE BACKSEAT OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDD!!!"
yeah.
competitionx2 on saturday. first in franklin. I kinda fucked up the show at points...but the best thing EVER was that I was setting my stuff up in the front when I hear "KATIE!" and I look up and see 10 small hands waving at me. My 5 little cousins (ages 13 (f),10(m),8(m),8(m),3(f)) were in the front row waving. 3 of them (three oldest) live in NC and were visiting...i knew that, but didn't think they'd come to a show. BUT THEY DID! and I was all smiles. even though I messed up. It was a good show ^_^ We got first with a score of 80.2 (YEAH!!!) and got best music, best guard, and..something else. lol. Nazareth was there but we managed to slight them out at a TINY interval.
The pixi sticks menace returned at Wendy's. That was enjoyable.
Show at Somerville was fun. We had a long ass warmup time in an Immaculata turf field, only to perform on Somerville's dirt. We walked down someone's street to get there XD. I personally felt like I had a better show than Franklin, cuz I did MORE work than the show before. I don't believe in this "personal best" anymore, because even if you had a good show, if the band didn't as a whole, sorry boutcha. Soooo we were kind bummed and didn't think it'd go over so well. Somehow, we were wrong and came in first again, and got an 81.0....and furthered the gap between us and Nazareth. wow. Soooo a good competition day.
Got home at like...1..haha
Woke up Sunday (amazingly) at 7:00 to shower and go to Colleen's (13 year old cousin) feis (irish step dancing show) up in like..Newark or something near there. I had Irish music pulsing through my head like mad. She did awesome, got four 1st place trophies and moved up a ranking. So we both had a good weekend. We read a Ripley's book and talked the way hoem and then slept on a couch at my grandma's while the rest of the cousins ran around like mad people. Colleen and I have become really close just due to maturity and age and whatnot and I really miss her now that she's gone back to NC.
EXHAUSTED, but got a text from Kitti telling me to go to Tom's so i went there and watched Hostel. Jeez.
Not much to do today except clean. homework. and i'm ebay-ing. WOOT!
also; after reading various magazine, i have to say this.
I'm glad i'm comfortable enough with my body and i don't feel the need to starve myself down to a size two :)
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